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QQQuantity: Great albums, start to finish - [01/21/03]
QQQuantity is not just a record label--we've also got great engineers and studios. A cooperative network of musicians across the USA sharing their music, gear and expertise. Need a remix? Call us. Need mastering? ZA Studio can give you a new perspective on your mix. Got some time and/or audio toys to share? We'll hook you up. - [more..]
Janitor's penis' DNA may sell on eBay! - [01/19/03]
In a shocking story that caught the bio-tech industry with it's pants down, Ted Byrne, a custodian for a genetic research facility in Cambridge, MA, announced that he will indeed sell his gene pattern combinations to the highest bidder. Byrne has won considerable fame in the local community based on the size of his penis, and attracted the attention of three of the largest bio-tech corporations in the city, one of which is his emloyer. "I dropped trou at a bar to win a pissing contest against my buddy and suddenly this guy in a suit steps up and wants to buy the rights to my DNA," says Byrne. An official statement from the top bidder says, "Given the current gene therapy and splicing technologies, the possibilities are endless. Many [men and women] can be made very happy," and also claims exceptional resale value of the combination of genes that produced Byrne's member. Byrne has bent under the legal advice of his lawyers to open bidding on a yet undetermined internet auction site, to which Byrne says, "I'm gonna make a fortune from it, inch by beautiful inch."
Report: people with itchy chins twice as intelligent as people with itchy heads. - [01/13/03]
Cambridge, MA--A recent study performed by a team at Harvard Medical Center revealed today that people with itchy chins are more than twice as intelligent as those with itchy heads. "We asked our itchy volunteers to perform various mental tasks and challenges, and to our surprise those with itchy chins out-performed those with itchy heads by more than 2 to 1," said Dr. Stanislav Bulkowski, who spearheaded the study. "We're still in the research stages of determining whether groin-scratching is as strong a factor in intelligence as its head and chin counterparts." (originally reported 12/09/02)
Savages, Bacons merge to form "Savage-Bacon Brothers" - [01/13/03]
Last night Ben and Fred Savage, long known for their sitcom acting talent, and Kevin and Mike Bacon, known for their musical bravado, have merged to form the "Savage-Bacon Brothers." Kevin says, "We want to reach out to the fans of shows like Working and Boy Meets World, and Fred and Bed likewise saw opportunity in our emerging fanbase." Kevin is known for roles in movies like Quicksilver and Hollow Man. The merger, however, will not include Kevin's film career. The actor reportedly needs no help in this department, already aided by the popular "Six Degrees of Kevin Bacon" game. - [more..]
Scandal Exposed - [01/13/03]
In a recent undercover exposÈ which caught the restaraunt industry with its pants down, it was revealed that Chinese restaraunts across the continent are all owned and operated by the same multi-national corporation, Chinese Food, Inc. Cleverly disguised as family owned businesses these franchises have been serving factory prepared food for decades and only in recent light of the Enron and MCIWorldcom scandals has the FDA decided to investigate. One former Chinese Food, Inc. employee, whose name as witheld by request, has admitted to us, "we got crates of food from Detroit once a week, and we just nuked the frozen takeout boxes and played frying noises to cover up the sound. McDonald's does the same thing, I used to work there too, but they didn't require you to speak Chinese all the time." Visit www.chinesefoodinc.com for the online version of their poorly disguised 'family-owned' uber-corporation. (originally posted 11/18/02)
Notes from the President - [01/13/03]
Doesn't the site look wonderful? This marks the start of a new phase for QQQuantity, and I want to mention a couple things before we jump right into it. - [more..]
Norwegians to Scour Fjords for Ice Cream - [01/13/03]
In a tasty political strategy Prime Minister Kjell Magne Bondevik announced Norway would be combing their scenic fjords for ice cream. It is hotly disputed who has the rights to the ice cream rich fjords. Both Norway and their northern neighbor Candyland claim rights to the property. Queen Frostine opposes Norway's plan, citing Candylanders historic ties to the fjords. However, rebel groups are currently forming a stronghold in the Peppermint Stick Forest, calling to question if Frostine will remain in power. - [more..]
Gorgonzola Takes Cheesies - [01/13/03]
Gorgonzola beat out favorites Swiss, Cheddar and Mozzarella to become Best Cheese in the 2002 Cheesies. Other winners include Feta for Best Lumpy Cheese, and American took home the prize in Uniformity. I Can't Believe it's Not Butter! Spray hosted the event. Special guest Parkay Margarine surprised everyone by proposing to Plochman's Mustard's on stage. She said yes! The Country Crock hands signed for the hearing impaired.
Sony releases "Hard Day's Night" for PS2! - [01/12/03]
In a move that caught the console game world with their pants down, Sony released a daring new action-adventure game based on the lives and times of the Beatles from the start of their careers to the very bitter end. Some of the hottest features include atmospheric 3D animations of friendship fallouts between George and Eric Clapton and double-team tag outs for John and Yoko. The designers of this super smash hit have included dozens of these so-called easter eggs, one such that after completion of all four Beatle character quests, players can beat the bonus level to unlock the fifth "secret" Beatle character. Read more about it at www.sony.com.